The pattern of conflict
Couples Argue More When They’re Already Arguing: The Neuroscience Behind the Cycle.
If you feel like you and your partner a falling into conflict or arguments too easily then you might not be imagining it. Frequent conflict can itself increase the chance of further conflict.
The cause behind this might not just be how you’re saying things to each other. It also include how a particular part of our brain is dealing with the situation.
Conflict can be a Feedback Loop
When conflict is allowed to develop in a relationship, couples build a pattern that has the potential to dominate the way they speak with each other. Over time, each partner may become more sensitive, more reactive, and more defensive…..even before the conflict begins.
Feedback loop:
Past arguments condition your brain to expect future ones.
Anticipating conflict leads to more vigilance and less openness.
This vigilance increases the likelihood of another argument.
Each new conflict reinforces the pattern.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you argue, the more likely you are to argue again.
The Role of the Amygdala: Your Brain’s Alarm Bell
Central to this pattern being created is a part of our brain called the Amygdala. It’s original role is to scan for perceived danger. Luckily, it is not common these days for most of us to experience frequent physical threat. However the Amygdala is still active and will be scanning for criticism or blame….actually it is scanning for ANYTHING that might have a passing involvement to us.
When activated, it can:
Trigger the fight, flight, or freeze style of response.
Initiate adrenaline and cortisol that are stress hormones.
Make it more difficult to respond calmly, as the logic part of our brain is not engaged.
So if you feel an argument might easily take place…..It might be that someone’s Amygdala feels as though it has detected criticism or blame in whatever form this might have taken. This can be a partner’s comment, in it’s most obvious form, but can also be more subtle behaviour like an eye roll or even silence. Some studies have suggested that people who feel they are in frequent conflict have a more active Amygdala and therefore even more likely to perceive threat (criticism or blame).
The couples “dance”
The pattern that can develop is often referred to as the couple’s “Dance”. They become familiar with their roles and the part they play in it. They are familiar with who says what and what their counter move is to this.
Learned Reactivity
Our mind begins to predict conflict with our partners, especially involving difficult subjects….this brings the potential for conflict closer.Emotional Memory
This prediction of conflict can begin to be fixed in our minds. Even if our partners are responding differently, we may ‘perceive’ their responses are the same.Reduced Emotional Safety
A frequent state of arguing or conflict will likely lead us to feel less emotionally safe and encourage us to want to react defensively in response. This MIGHT be happening even if the criticism or blame wasn’t intended. This can be caused by our own anticipation. By the way….this applies equally to your partner, who is experiencing all the same thoughts you are.Shorter Fuses, Longer Recoveries
A relationship is a very ‘reactive’ environment most of the time…and we need some space before our defensive reactions are triggered. During frequent periods of conflict the gap before our defences are triggered becomes shorter. The period they remain activated also lasts for longer.
Final Thoughts
When couples are already in a pattern of arguing, it becomes easier for conflict to keep repeating—not because they don’t love each other, but because their brains have learned to expect certain reactions rather than more considerate responses. The good news is that the brain is changeable. With intention, practice, and support, couples can retrain their patterns, reintroduce more harmony, and shift out of conflict cycles.
