Changing patterns of conflict
Interrupting in relationships is not usually considered productive. However, a repeating negative pattern of couple behaviour will keep repeating (and strengthen) if not interrupted. This doesn't simply mean suppressing our responses, it involves the potential to steer ourselves to a more effective way of working together.
The 5 step process of change
1. notice the pattern
Attempt to notice the pattern…either in the moment itself or after it may have occurred. Your emotions will let you know an interaction has begun to spiral. Without the ability to notice the pattern, you won’t have the capacity to catch it, or change it.
2. attempt adjustments
IF you have started to notice the pattern, begin to attempt to do things differently. You may decide to ‘step out’ of a conversation that has begun to escalate. You may be able to control your reactions to allow them to be different.
3. repair
Following an argument, consider not just moving on. Once the tension has reduced, consider re-approaching the discussion in a calmer way. Before approaching your partner, attempt to imagine what they might have been trying to say or how they might be feeling. If you can, try to think of how you might have been part of the escalation…. this doesn’t mean you are to blame but it is worth considering how each of you might be unconsciously/accidentally making a contribute to the pattern.
4. Replacing old with new
Begin attempts to speak to each other with a new approach. Practice a calmer way of beginning a conversation or reacting to your partner initiating one.
Attempt to recognise the effects of the pattern changing. You might not be resolving conflict straight away but you may have begun to reduce it’s impact.
5. Kindness - for youself & each other
Remember these cycles/patterns aren’t about failure. They’re partly about your brain reacting in the way it’s designed to.
Final thoughts
If our brains are allowed to react unchecked, then unproductive couples patterns can easily develop. I have worked with many couples who approached me thinking they had reached a point they felt they had a fundamental difference and weren’t compatible….these couple’s learnt that it was the reactive/defensive pattern that had become dominant, and it was this, that prevented them reaching the connection they previously had.
